Wednesday, February 28, 2007

My Dreams...

Hey all, I know I haven’t been posting for a while.

It’s just that I’ve gotten really busy these past couple of weeks and just didn’t have the time to post anything.

And since I’m still fresh out of ideas, I’ve decided to post something off of my diary instead.

Dear Diary,

I hate my friend, she’s such a bitch…

Awain, I have to wear all pink for her stupid birthday party.

But, I don’t have any pink dresses, after my old one got torn trying to run away from my rapist ex-boyfriend…But enough about that.

I just want to know, when will I go to my first dance?

When will I get my first kiss?

When will I finally meet a boy who loves me?

I mean, aren’t these questions every girl thinks about?

Then why do I feel like nobody’s ever gone through what I went through? Why do I feel so alone?

And why is my friend being such a bitch about her party? I mean, I’m happy for her and all, But can’t she see what I’m going through? Waxing my legs is painful, PMS is painful...Sometimes I wish I wasn't a girl, just to escape all the pain...

Sometimes I just want to spread my wings and fly, to meet my prince charming, to enjoy the sights and sounds of the most romantic cities in the world...

I’ve got dreams…

My dreams…

These are my dreams…

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Stop Sending me Forwards and Spam

I wonder really, when did Forwards first come into existence?
Who made them?
Was it some lonely teen? Sitting all alone in front of his computer monitor, typing away on his brand new Intel 133?
Was he so attention starved that he decided to cook up some story about an evil monkey that has made the internet its home, and that you have to forward the email to 300 of your friends, or else the evil monkey will take a diarrhea dump on your head by midnight.

Who the hell would be so stupid as to believe that?

Apparently, everyone I know.

And if those aren’t bad enough, you’ve got the friendship forwards.
They go something like this:
If you are my friend and blah blah blah…Send this message back to me.


Does it look like I’m sitting here with nothing better to do except send you back, the same message you sent me?
Does hitting the reply button make me a good friend?
Or do people just want proof that they exist?

And what’s up with people and penis enlargement?
How big of an idiot do you have to believe that using an air pump will actually work?
And who the hell came up with the idea in the first place?

Actually, I’ve got a better question, who discovered how to milk a cow? And what was he doing at that moment?
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Monday, February 12, 2007



Wait, I don’t have a reason to be happy this year.
Shit, well since I don’t have the balls to confess my feelings to you.
I’m gonna let this picture do all the talking…
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Life just isn't what you expect...

So, you felt like she was the one? Like, nobody would ever make you feel the way she did?
Well, you’re not the only one.
We all go through it, one time or another. The lucky ones are those who can live life without being emotionally attached to anyone at all.
What a blessing really, to manage living your whole life without caring about someone.

No matter how bad it seems, no matter how perfect she is, she’s not the only one, and she won’t be the last person to make you feel like that.
Sure, it may not be often, hell it’ll probably only happen a few times during your whole miserable life, but unfortunately it’ll happen again, whether you want it to or not.

Life isn’t a fucking fairytale.
The movies you’ve watched, the books you’ve read and the songs you’ve heard?
They’re full of shit, and you know it.

And don’t bother giving me that shit, claiming that nobody’s ever felt the way you do.
This world is small, nasty and complicated…Everybody dies alone.
But you’re not the only one to feel like your life has lost meaning, you’re not first person to think you’ll never love again, and you won’t be the last.

You’ve got no one but yourself to blame for the state you’re in.
And you know it.

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Thursday, February 08, 2007

No Transistory

I feel like shit
Really? Tell me something I don’t know.
You don’t know what I’m going through
Yes I do actually, or did you forget that I’m part of you?

You’re just being gay you know, letting it consume you the way it does
She’s got a name, she’s not some sort of object
Heh, you keep telling yourself that, they’re all objects, you’ll get over her
No, that’s where you’re wrong. It’s been going on for far too long, I can’t control it anymore.
You mean you can’t control me, face it you queer, I’m here to stay
I don’t know if I can feel anymore
She’s killing you, you fag. Stop it
I can’t, I can’t control anything anymore
Well, looks like I’m gonna have to interfere again

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How to flirt and be awesome...

Hey everyone, I know that many guys just don’t know how to flirt in general and usually look for that magical line that’ll give them the power to get any girl they want.

Well, I’m here to teach you guys everything you need and more.

So, without wasting any more time, let’s get started. Shall we?

Step 1: Appearance

Being well groomed is really important, well not really. Just as long as you don’t smell like something that crawled up a person’s ass and died you’re pretty much alright, oh and make sure your clothes fit and don’t have holes in them, unless you’re making a fashion statement, which means you shouldn’t be reading this because you’re a queer.

Penis enlargement pills will not help you at this stage; I mean you can’t expect to come through flying out of the bushes with your giant donkey dick flapping in the air and expect her to just lie down and spread her legs. Or can you?

Step 2: Approaching

Now, this step is really important, first impressions can make all the difference. Whether you get the girl or not, it’ll be this step that decides it all.

Now, the following steps all depend on the type of girl you’re after, so I’ll break it down for y’all…

If she’s Normal/Girly:

  1. Get some pink clothes and let your sister apply makeup on you, they’ll love it if you’re kinda gay (If you’re completely gay, I don’t even wanna know why you’re reading this). Don’t forget to completely wax your body because hair is just gross.
  2. Alright, for the pickup line use the following: “Is you’re father a thief? Because someone must’ve stolen the stars out of the sky and put them in your eyes.”

If she’s Gangsta:

  1. Get oversized clothes for this one, wear anything that you see on a rap video on T.V. or better yet, just go outside and wear the same exact clothes that everyone else is wearing. Because originality and being yourself isn’t really important anymore. Neither is it attractive to the opposite sex.
  2. Alright, here’s the pickup line: “Iz yo fadda a deif? Cuz someone be stealin dem starz from da sky and be puttin dem in yo eyebawls babez”

If she’s Rocker/Goth/Emo

  1. Wear black, steal your sisters pants, and her mascara as well. Why? Because you’re depressed, you hate everything and everyone, and nobody gets you either, that’s why.
  2. Using a pickup line on these kind of people just isn’t gonna work, because they’re way too wrapped up in their own despair and if you ask if their father is a thief, they’ll not only tell you how he steals everyday from his own daughters purse, she’ll also tell you how he molests her everyday, how her first boyfriend dumped her for a total BITCH and how depressed she is in general. So here’s what to do:

  1. Write depressing poetry, like how the sky is black and your soul is even darker.
  2. Cut yourself, the sight of your scars and self harming is a major turn for people like that.

Well that’s all folks…

Love and respect…

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Hume Male

Anytime you venture out of the safety of your home planet and into the atmosphere of the tiny blue planet known as earth, you’re bound to meet Homo sapiens otherwise known as humans.

Humans are known to be the descendents of monkeys and not mice as some sources may claim, although humans are known to be extremely ashamed of their ancestors and keep them locked up in cages for their own pleasure, possibly as a reminder to their origin.

Some researches claim that the human went through an evolutionary stage known as the Yeti or Bigfoot, generally thought to be larger than the common human and covered in a thick fur, either brown or white in color.

Humans are an extremely intelligent race compared to the other species living on the planet, such as penguins.

Upon closer inspection of this magnificent creature we can easily define two major sub-groups. They are known as the male and female sub-groups of the species, some experts argue that they are two completely different species who have formed a symbiotic relationship during evolution.

The female sub-group will be discussed in detail later, for this essay we will discuss the male sub-group:

1. Appearance: Men appear to be slightly larger than that of women and also carry an extra organ between their legs, used either as a status symbol or in some cases a weapon.

Men are generally hairier than women although it has been noted that there are women who do not shave and often have an amount of hair that surpasses that of men, these women are commonly referred to as ugly and fat and are shunned by most men in the community.

Men in general have the ability to grow facial hair and the skill to control the size of the large organ between their legs.

2. Habits: It is to be noted that men generally scratch at the crotch area and when walking attempt to place both hands in a position which clearly defend the crotch area against any surprise attack.

Men generally engage in bouts of superiority, when a dominant male approaches another of lower status the following conversation may be noticed:

Dom: Hi!

Sub: Hey…
Dom: That’s an awesome pair of shoes you’ve got.

Sub: Uhh, thanks.

Dom: Mind giving them to me?

Sub: Wha?


The dominant male at this time will attack the male of lower standing and claim the superior foot wear for himself, regardless if it fits or not.

Scientists have still not understood this behavior and no further research has been conducted.

3. Intelligence: The male species is extremely intelligent and myths regarding the imbalance of intelligence between sexes are grossly overstated. Men in general have the cognitive ability to discuss a wide array of subjects ranging from the size of their penis to the size of their balls, although usually discussions are competitive in nature, their intelligence is not to be underestimated. They are able to ask for information, find faults in a logical argument and in some cases will even attempt to introduce some new information that may deny common sense and logic.

Dom: Hey man, did you know my balls are bigger than yours.

Sub: Not really, check these out.

The submissive male at this point will take off his pants to prove that the dominant male is wrong, therefore stripping him of his status.

Dom: Damn, they really are huge. You rule man.

The final words are the recognition of the dominant male that he has been replaced by a new male.

4. Sex: Men are generally occupied with the thought of sex and will never pass down a chance at procreation.

Studies have shown that men not capable of reproduction with a suitable female at an early age grow desperate and rely heavily on the use of their hands for relief.

Studies have also shown that men rely heavily on the size of their reproductive organ to attract members of the opposite sex, although this too is inconclusive and requires additional research.

It is to be noted that men if angered will forcefully have sex with one another.

Dom: Fuck you!
Dom: That’s it, I’m gonna fuck you so hard up the ass, that you’re gonna shit diarrhea through your dick!

Tom the Horny Cat

Tom wasn’t an ordinary person like you and me. No, he was quite different.
Well, for one thing, he was a cat, with four paws, a tail, and beautiful fur covering him from head to tail.
He was a beautiful cat, a golden brown all over, and he knew it.
You see, Tom was very horny.
Tom was so horny, he’d screw any cat that passed by his way. Sometimes, Tom would have sex with little boy kittens too.
Now you see, Tom was actually well brought up and learnt all there was about STD’s and STI’s at a very young age.
And because Tom was very very clever, he managed to go through life without even getting pubic lice, which everyone is supposed to get.

But one day, Tom made a terrible mistake.

Boys and Girls, do you know what that mistake was?

Tom fell in love.

She was a beautiful white Persian, and Tom couldn’t resist her.
Tom had to have her as soon as he could, so he waited. And he waited.
Until she walked into a dark alley where she wasn’t supposed to go.
And that’s when Tom decided to rape her.
Tom had his way with her.
Tom was quite happy.

But Tom made a mistake, Tom wasn’t wearing a condom.
And the beautiful white Persian carried a disease known as AIDS!

Do you know what happened to Tom?

His penis turned green and fell off.

The morale of this story is this:
If you’re gonna rape someone, make sure she doesn’t have any diseases, or better yet, carry a condom on you at all times.